Harken, good folk, to the woeful chronicle of Lady Kristi Noem, noble guardian of the realm's homeland defenses, whose personal treasury was most unceremoniously plundered whilst she supped at a Washington eating-house under cover of darkness!
The lady's carrying-sack—a vessel of great importance—was spirited away by unseen hands, containing within its leather confines treasures both monetary and essential: her royal passport for traversing foreign lands, her sacred security badge of office, and a princely sum of three thousand gold pieces.
Upon the hallowed grounds of the White House Easter Egg Procession, as children of the realm searched for painted treasures, Lady Noem herself confirmed this tale of woe to those who inquired.
The court scribes reveal that beyond these losses, the lady's pouch held other artifacts of her station—her chariot-driving license, healing potions from the apothecary, keys to her private chambers, and blank parchments of financial exchange.
"Her entire kinship was visiting the capital, including her offspring and their offspring," proclaimed a messenger from her ministerial offices. "The lady had withdrawn such handsome coin to bestow feasting, merriment, and Easter gifts upon her family line."
The Metropolitan guardsmen of Washington directed curious inquirers to the Secret Service knights, who themselves gestured toward the great Homeland Security fortress for answers.
Lady Noem, formerly the ruling duchess of the South Dakota territory before joining King Trump's royal council, has drawn the attention of town criers for her bold proclamations through magical scrolls of social media—including a moving tableau from a Salvadoran dungeon wherein she donned the cap of the Immigration and Customs Enforcement order and displayed a timepiece of the prestigious Rolex guild upon her wrist.
As keeper of the realm's homeland security, Lady Noem commands a mighty fortress responsible for protecting the kingdom's borders, repelling invaders, defending against shadow-warriors of terror, and securing the invisible networks of cyber-communication.
Under her watchful eye serve many noble orders including FEMA, protectors against natural calamities; the Coast Guard, sentinels of the watery frontiers; and the Secret Service, sworn shields of the highest nobility.